Tuesday, March 24, 2009

avert the average

here's to friends. theyre awesome and i love em more than they know. it's never been more comforting to have friends that matter. at a time of self-questioning, i turn to the people i trust the most and it's the best feeling to know that im not the only one whose lost. when you dont know what youre doing and youre alone, then youre lost, but when you dont know what youre doing and your homie next to you doesnt know squat either, then its an adventure and its certainly a challenge to look forward to.

follow your dreams, they say. but how scary is it to think that dreaming is not enough, when your rationale starts to kick in and say that youre dreams arent good enough, or that you will fail before or after you get there? it sucks to think that by the cruelty of the world, we have dulled ourselves into thinking that the things we want most are out of reach. and such, we have replaced those dreams with the need to have a backup plan, a proven algorithm of attack that yields the median of results. i am terrified of being average. my greatest fear is that even by doing everything im "supposed" to do, and doing it well for that matter, i wont get where i want to go, or be who i want to be.

it's something i cant avoid, i cant sleep it away and hope that my dreams will come true overnight. failure is the answer, and it's the only answer. only by failing, will i truly acheive what i want most. but what do i want most??? oh how i wish i knew!

i want mobility. i want the power to change as much or as little as i want, whenever i want. is money the answer? in some ways yes, but in many ways not. money allows us to maneuver around the material social structure that exists all around us, to correct and cover up mistakes. what loopholes are left can be filled with strenght of mind. you can have hella money, but no cause or direction, no purpose. and so it seems that a person with purpose is free. freedom of self-determination is basic to humanity, and i think it's far too easily lost sight of, and far underestimated as the foundation of a healthy, functional society. with strenght of mind comes responsibility, to yourself and your fellow man. if not for yourself, do something for your neighbor, and for the people you care most about. is there any more worthy cause?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

salubrious sanative sapientials

(words i stole from the internet that may make sense, but are more likely to not)

i love college, and i love spring break! sitting on bart right now heading back to the great city of san francisco, and i figured what better a time for reflection-- on a finished and amazing winter quarter, on what's changed and what hasnt, on life as it is and the future as i hope it will soon be.

first things first, miss my girl already! ha! a week, we can do it. i stick to it that sleep is for wimps. i mean, there are so many things to do out there that it really doesnt make sense to sleep any more than we need to. it's nice, and it's often refreshing, but a life of slumber is a life of missed opportunity. this quarter's been wild. been trying new things and some things have worked and are still working fantastically, while others have quietly passed to the background. finals were finals, intense, stressful, you know. i really hope i passed my astronomy class. of all classes to fail, i pray that this is not the first. programming was chill, easy breezy. i feel really good about accounting, and fairly good about econometrics. closing out my quarter internship with the student volunteer center taught me a lot about purpose, having strong and worthy reasons to do things. volunteering isnt about the rewards, it isnt about giving back to the community. volunteering is about having purpose at an individual level, and how that personal reason, that internal force allows you to do more than you could have imagined. do things because YOU want to do them, do whatever YOU enjoy, and live with yourself. with the ability to say f*ckit comes the strength really give a f*ck.

life as it is, amazing. it's crazy how much different i felt going into my last final, it was overcast and bitter, and coming out of my final, sunny and freeeee. my mood swings with the weather and i love it. i was terribly stressed for a second leading up to finals. on the 20 up to campus on wednesday, youd see half kids moping around obviously heading to a test, and half the kids glowing from an afternoon at the beach. it sucked. four finals and what beautiful weather! grind through it. walking outta baskin at 2oclock on friday was insane, nearly a peak experience as ralph would say. called the girl, hopped on the fixed, bought flowers and a sandwich. there's no better way to do it. i love college.

im twenty now, its scary. for one thing, its a pretty freakin big number considering that at ten, i barely new what a fraction was. yes, i measure my growth by how much math i can do, eat it. high school is almost long gone, just because i think so much differently now than i did then. priorities change, things that mattered so much before mean so little now and vice versa. to think, i have to do taxes soon, and get a job, and look for a place to live next year! the thing is, im scared of it, but so not at the same time. now is the time, so there's no better time than now to figure it out. im growing, im learning, and it's fun! having shit to do is now comforting, because the scary thing now is not knowing what to do. there is no right way to live, but the prospect of not doing it right is terrifying. i just want to stay on schedule, learn in time, and not look back with regret. please!

anyway, im sure ill be back blogging at least this week. homies, stay chill and have an awesome spring break. if i dont see you, at least know that im wishing you the best. cheers.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

serious snog snoozin

at last, i have momentarily awakened from my weekend of slumber. good morning blog, it's been a little while. correction, it's been a quite a while, approaching hella days. my bad, but youll have to blame it on the awesome girlfriend to take me away from my blogging responsibilities. upgrade. youve been one-upped my friend, but it's not you, i swear.

since the tenth, holey bagel! road tripped to tahoe for birthday, valentines day weekend! super pow, like you dont even know. although there were fat storms on the way up and on the way back down, we managed to crank out an awesome vday sesh. it was sunny too, like what?! our deluxe accomodations included an oversized flat screen for the room, and an under-sized, yet infinitely more luxurious mini flat screen for the bathroom. all i can really say is what a trip. thank you stepha, my favorite. and shout out to kwan and weenie, we did it so right!

while it was awesome to bust outta santa cruz for a second, the cost of an escape weekend before midterms definitely came around. after 11 hours up, and like 9 hours to travel back to santa cruz, (and of course musical a.d.d. fluctuating between the likes of kelly clarkson, akon, the jobros, lil wayne, the fray, and the game,) i found myself largely dysfunctional until wednesday. at which point, I was met with an accounting midterm thursday and the associated wednesday night/thursday morning, caffeine enhanced cram preparation. accounting can eat it. an exam from left field killed my spirits, but didnt slow down the programming midterm which went down on friday morning. a word of advice, the way to recover from a week like that is not to do it big on friday/saturday to celebrate your accomplishments. common folklore suggests that sleep is indeed for wimps, yet common sense will always creep up on you, unless you are really a vampire.

it's really been non-stop lately. sunday recovery soon became monday freak out. essays due, homework to copy. warrior games, spontaneous birthdays, and buddies should really each have their own days of the week. at some point, i also broke my ipod. the headphone jack is tweaked, so it only outputs to one speaker. disaster! been nearly musicless on campus, which is my primary rockout time, and it's been a little of an adjustment. for the better, i like to think. forces me to engage in random conversation, which is always fun. study, study. econometrics required its own little freak out, but it soon got its needed attention. the quarter is FLYING by.

been working as an intern for the student volunteer center this quarter with the riles. this week we had a bunch of fundraisers and events. pizza on monday, parish on tuesday, jamba juice thursday, and invasive plant removal on saturday. yayuh. saturday was super chill, my favorite svc experience so far. we headed out to the great meadow on campus to clear off the french broom from the coastal plain landscape. they fed me juice and snacks, gave me a cool tool, and we got to work. i yanked out some hella big plants, paul bunyan-ed it and impressed myself. got tired and was like aite, whatever, im out. peaced back to the girl's place and entered hibernation. finally! a chance to sleep. and sleep. and sleep. so nice.

two weeks on, two weeks off. im straight chillin until finals i think, as far as regular classes go. not too much to freak out about, probably just a little reading and some grunt work at most. snagged a couple classes for spring quarter. econ as experimental science, and econ of ecommerce, plus stats to add soon. i do, i really do need to get on my intership, study abroad, field study, declaration dealio. gasp. it sounds scarier and scarier the more i put it off. this week, though-- tomorrow! i shall begin. until then, i shall bask in lethargy and continue to think aboutsya.

funny, so i emailed TRUE today because i really need to know if they have any more of my hat. its just been painful! i still havent removed the pin on which it used to hang, so theres literally a void in my hat wall. there are just so many days where that would be the perfect hat to wear, and it look up to grab it and its not there! grumble grumble.

also, i am still addicted to blockles. its serious. i participate in blockles parties where my opponents are sprawled out across the same room as me. in fact, i had to stop writing this blog post just to play because i saw the word blockles and started feinin for it. then, i just played the longest match ever, the blocks moved so fast! that's all. im donezo. callin you. stay amazing.